Best old English insults to give a sick burn

 
A black and white photo of someone flipping the middle finger.

Image via Aleksandr Burzinskij

I'm a big fan of swearing. Any new and inventive way to insult someone is hungrily snatched up and deployed with enthusiasm.

So I thought, hey — why not delve into the past and dig up some antique treasures? No one knows how to bite a thumb at some poor unsuspecting mug like ye olde Brits, am I right?!

  1. Mooncalf

    The great thing about ‘mooncalf’ is its cuteness. Someone may actually be lulled into believing you’ve given them a sweet nickname when in actual fact, you’ve called them a “fickle and unstable person”.

  2. Blowsabella

    Oooh, now we’re getting down to it! This is a spitefully gendered insult reserved for women who have dishevelled hair. Which is me. But like, on purpose.

  3. Gollumpus

    This little gem comes to us from the early 1800s and describes "a large, clumsy fellow". Could this be where the verb 'galumph' comes from? I like to think so.


  4. Grumbletonian

    I think we all know a 'grumbletonian'. Hell, I am one.

    Snatched from late 17th Century politics, this venomous insult means precisely what you think it does — someone who can't help but complain, no matter how good they've got it.


  5. Death’s head upon a mop stick

    If I ever start a band, this is what I’d call it. This phrase comes from The 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue by Francis Grose* — the same book as ‘gollumpus’, in fact. It’s used to describe someone who is emaciated and skeletal. Which, when you think about it, is mostly very sad (despite the fun turn of phrase).

  6. Tatterdemallion

    This insult sounds exactly like what it is. Someone dressed in tattered clothing. Kinda funny when you think about how fancy the insult itself is. Makes being ragged sound super stylish.

  7. Afternoon Farmer

    Not gonna lie, guys. I’m legit going to use this in my everyday life. It’s just too good not to. ‘Afternoon farmer’ is used to insult lazy people — those who don’t rise and grind at 5am, for example.

  8. Cow-handed

    Since we’re on the topic of farms, here’s ‘cow-handed’. Use this insult on anyone who’s awkward. Which, in this anti-social day and age, is basically everyone.

  9. Minikin

    This is a delightful insult for the vertically challenged. As the tallest woman in a family of ‘minikins’, I plan to use this insult…little and often. 😏

*Gross? How apt.

Do you have any favourite olden time insults? Lay ‘em on me! I’m over here on Twitter.

 
Emma Cownley